On Becoming a Hermit, Sort of ... Day 54

Day 54

(Saturday, 9th May 2020)

Three Zoom conferences today! Firstly, the meet up with our family at 11:00 for an hour and a half. It feels so good that we can do this now. Hallmark Horizon rehearsal at 1:00 pm for and hour and three quarters when we ran through “I’m Walkin’” with moves as well as “Call Me”, then the big reveal of the video we’ve been making for the past three or four weeks, Bruce Springsteen’s “Dancing in The Dark”. Tim has done a superb job of editing this together from our individual audio tracks plus video of all of us doing crazy things to camera. Can’t wait to share it in a couple of weeks after the BABSLive event on the weekend of 23rd/24th May. Finally, I managed to get Dave to collaborate in singing a four part harmony I’d arranged to sing happy birthday to Jessica, who is 11 years old tomorrow. So we had a one-to-one at 3 pm to agree how we’d do it. It turned out to be a success, I think, barring one chord which wasn’t quite right, but hey-ho, perfection can wait!

Now, that prose poem I threatened I’d post this weekend ...

"Waiting for God ... Oh Happy Days"

How long is it since I set out on a quest, my 

life’s mission, it seems like an age since I 

realised my first ambition to own a car, to 

drink a pint, legally, but not at the same time, 

obviously! Each step was like - I imagine - 

a fix of drugs, the only thing that I ever wanted, 

that brings the ultimate pleasure that cannot 

possibly be surpassed by anything other than

another fix of something newer, stronger, more in 

keeping with my current desires, my present, 

my expectation, my self-image, and when was it 

that I was introduced to Status, that fickle friend, 

who always taunts me, the little demon, who 

also seems to be up to their neck in sand and 

knows so much about me, too much, and 

strangely seems to have acquired me, as a 

chattel without so much as ‘by your leave’, but 

Ego and I are old friends, even though I didn’t 

know, it turns out, he has also known my new 

friend, Status, for longer than I, partners in crime 

it seems, strange how small and large the World is 

and that feeling I’m not in control, but damn! who 

had the audacity to tell me I’m not in control, of 

course I am fully in control of my thoughts, and 

actions are completely my own invention, all my 

own, I know who I am, what I want, where I’m 

going so don’t tell me I’m not in control, my 

friends all like me, for who I am, or are they really 

a reflection of my own missions, ambitions, and 

do I support them against their enemies, who 

they perceive, think, guess, assume I am against

... before another me arrived stage left, with 

thoughts that are different from anything I had ever 

espoused. Before this moment all I ever wanted

was the next portion of life served up at a price.

Now, whilst ego may still be important to us, the 

only status we need is to be alive, to live, to be 

living. All else is immaterial. So, where is God? 

Where is salvation for these sorry souls, faced 

with their mortality? I’m now remembering Samuel, 

who wrote of Him, or someone, who sounds like Him, 

about people, who wait for ever, for a pot of gold, 

for a favour, apparently owed, for an expectation 

assumed, an entitlement thought to be a right, 

to enable a mission, want, desire, dream, 

right of passage, an explanation of it all. 

Then I realised I didn’t have a clue 

… what we are waiting for.

And now?    This!

We should never wait. We should absolutely not wait. Life is not going to be served up on a plate for us. I know now that I’ve spent far too much of my life waiting for something that I was lead to expect would happen, something that would change my life for the better, that would magically transform me into the person I longed to be, or thought I longed to be, thought that I should be, according to the expectations I had grown up to believe I should have for myself, or that someone else had for me, imposed on my mindset, that was apparently the key to success and happiness. 

And so it seemed to be … until, that is, I began to realise that I am, like every being, a unique organic entity, with a unique set of abilities and aptitudes. Then I started to believe I could make things happen for myself and stopped allowing myself to be influenced by the expectations of others, especially the — soon to be considered pariahs of modern materialistic society - the marketing and advertising people, who want to make us believe in the idealised person we think we’d like to be, so as to persuade us to buy that nectar of the Gods, the machine that will revolutionise our lives, the technology that will give us ultimate power of knowledge, those things that will make us the more attractive, that will pave the way to financial success, wealth, power and influence, simply by buying into their purveyance. How frail is the ego. How flawed is our search for status. How fragile is life and how much of a leveller is the Corona virus that will not select its victims according to status, but according to the fact we are all a certain species of organic being. We are all humans, in need of purpose, compassion and love.

Two plays by Samuel Beckett, "Waiting for Godot" and "Happy Days", provided the original inspiration for this text.

“Waiting for God, Oh Happy Days” was first published in the BeZine blog on 9th April 2020. This version has been subject to further editing.

Today's piece of music from the "Year of Wonder" is Act 1 'letter scene' from Eugene Oregon by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (1840-93). There's a great story - personal to Clemency Burton-Hill's life - behind this piece, but you'll have to buy the book to read it :) 

However you may be affected by anything I've written here, do let me know by leaving a comment below or, if you prefer not to, talk to a loved one, a friend or someone you trust.